


what messes with Oracle and didn't survive?

by HuiLian



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: DickBabs Week 2019, F/M, Fluff, i'm too tired to tag the relationships so have everyone& everyone instead, pranks galore!, pranks!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 00:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19712974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuiLian/pseuds/HuiLian
Summary: three little birds, one little bat, and a spoiler.Dick grimaced. “Well, if the world’s going to end, I want us to be together. There’s at least a hope of safety there.”It was a sweet thing to say, but it did not negate the fact that there were currently five vigilantes of Gotham trying to prank the two of them. Dick’s platitudes about facing them together is just that. Platitudes. Babs would abandon him in a heart beat if it meant getting out of their pranking ways.





	what messes with Oracle and didn't survive?

**Author's Note:**

> who is the one that didn't know that this week is dickbabs week? this girl right here. 
> 
> so instead of seven fics, have this one that combines the prompt of day 6 (if the world's going to end, I want us to be together), and day 7 (we've come a long way). Enjoy!

“Dick!”

Babs has _had it_ with cleaning up someone else’s messes. And she has most definitely _had it_ with cleaning up Dick’s messes.

“What!”

He had the _gal_ to act innocent. As if the evidence of the last mess was not still on Babs’ dining table.

“Control your little brothers!”

Dick came into the dining room with an innocent look in his face. Babs wanted to shout to him, but she also kinda wanted to kiss that stupid innocent face. She knew better than to think he’s truly innocent, though.

“What did they do, now?” Dick chuckled.

Babs did not stoop so low as to answer. She just gestured to her dining table. The sight of it should be answer enough.

“Come on, Babs. They’re just having fun.” Dick shrugged his shoulders. Easy for him to say, it’s not _his_ dining table on the line.

“Glitters, Dick. _Glitters,_ ” Babs gritted out. “There’ll be glitters on my chair for _months_! Not to mention my dining table!”

“How do you know it’s one of my little brothers?” Dick asked.

“Don’t change the subject!”

“Worth a try.” Dick shrugged his shoulders. “But for real, how do you know it’s one of my little brothers? It could be Dinah.”

“Dinah will do a more subtle prank than this. _Glitters,_ Dick. _Glitters_.”

Dick hummed. It’s infuriating. Why is he like this? Wait a moment…. Dick never acts innocent when he is truly innocent.

“Is this you? Are you pranking me right now?”

“What? No! I knew better than to prank you!”

“Good. Because if it’s you, you can kiss goodbye to the bed.” Dick had a sly look on his face that meant he’s going to say something about not needing the bed to have sex. “And to tech support. For a month.”

That shut him up pretty quickly. Dick could and would mess with Barbara Gordon, but Nightwing did not _dare_ mess with Oracle. She is too valuable. Once upon a time it would have made Babs preen, but now it was just cold hard fact.

“It’s not me, Babs. From the look of the prank, it’s probably Jason.” Dick frowned. “Or Tim. Or maybe Damian.”

“I don’t _care_ which one of your little brothers it is, it’s one of them. That makes this _your_ mess. You clean it up.” Babs maneuvered her wheelchair out of the dining room. “There better be no glitters on my table after you’re done!”

“Babs, come on!”

“I’m going to order some food for breakfast. I expect the table to be clean when the food comes!”

“Oh, _come on_!” Dick shouted at Babs’ retreating chair. Babs didn’t care. She just kept rolling out. 

*

Babs was going to kill Dick’s little brothers. It’s them. It _had_ to be them. No one else has the guts to go against the all-mighty Oracle.

“Dick! I’m going to kill your brothers!” Babs would do it, too. She would. There was nothing Dick could say to keep her from killing his little brothers.

“You’ll get no objection from me, Babs! They put glue on the glitter! Glue! How the hell can I get it off the table?”

“It’s not _just_ the table!” Babs shrieked. What did she do lately to deserve this? She had done nothing to deserve this. She was even playing nice with all the heroes and sometime-heroes who asked for her tech support.

“What? There’s another one of the glitter bombs?”

“Not _one_! Three!” Babs stopped, took another look, and said, “Scratch that. It’s _four_!”

“Four? I only have three little brothers, Babs.” Dick got out of the dining room to look at Babs. There was glitter on his hair, and on his clothes. There was glitter everywhere on him. “Do you think?”

“No,” Babs shook her head. “They wouldn’t dare.” They wouldn’t. Having one pranking them was bad enough, but to go against five of them? _All_ five of them?

“There’s five glitter bombs, Babs. The numbers match.” Dick took a deep breath, and let it out. “It matches.”

“No.” Not Cass, surely not Cass. Steph, Babs could understand, but not Cass. Not to mention, could Damian even _understand_ what a prank is?

“Unfortunately, yes.” Dick winced.

“They will level Gotham to the ground.” Visions of buildings in Gotham being levelled went through Babs’ head. “They’ll level the _world_ to the ground.”

Dick grimaced. “Well, if the world’s going to end, I want us to be together. There’s at least a hope of safety there.”

It was a sweet thing to say, but it did not negate the fact that there were currently five vigilantes of Gotham trying to prank the two of them. Dick’s platitudes about facing them together is just that. Platitudes. Babs would abandon him in a heart beat if it meant getting out of their pranking ways.

“Bruce won’t let them!” It was one last futile hope that Babs had.

“Do you think they give a shit about what Bruce will let them do? Besides, Bruce is not here.”

“ _Alfred_ won’t let them!”

“Alfred is not here too, Babs. He’s with Bruce!” Dick said.

Babs let her head roll backwards and stared at the ceiling for a few moments. God, or _someone_ up there, give her strength. “What did we do to deserve this?”

“Um… We proved them that we are capable of handling Gotham?”

“Ugh!” Babs raised her hands. “This is all your fault!”

“Hey! _Some_ of it was your fault! You’ve been handling Gotham for longer than I have, _Oracle._ ” Dick bent down so that he could look at Babs in the eye. It was _not_ appreciated, and Babs made sure to tell him that by pushing him. 

“No, no _that_ ,” Babs said. “It’s your fault that there’s so many of them running around!”

“Me? I had nothing to do with that! It’s Bruce’s fault!”

“You’re the one who started it all!”

“Started what? Bruce adopting kids? Steph isn’t even his!”

“But the rest of them is!”

“You’re the one who ‘adopts’ Cass! And Steph! That’s two!”

“What about you? And don’t you dare say that you _only_ have one! Tim won’t even care about Batman and Robin if he didn’t see you back then! Not to mention Duke is only here because of Robin, and who’s the first Robin, huh?”

“Hey, it’s _Batman_ and Robin! It’s Bruce you should be blaming, not me!”

“Oh yeah? And who’s Batman now, Dick? Surprise, surprise, it’s you! You’ve been both Batman _and_ Robin! It’s all your fault!”

“Wow.” A small voice made both Dick and Babs stop arguing and turn around. “I can’t believe you two haven’t even officially dated for a year, but you’re already arguing like an old married couple.”

It was Jason speaking. He seemed to be alone, but Babs would bet her computers that he was not alone. And he had _another_ one of those damned glitter bombs in his hand. Where did they even get that many of them?

“Jay,” Dick began, “don’t.”

“Jason Peter Todd,” Babs said in the coldest voice she can muster, which is very cold indeed, “don’t you dare.”

“Sorry, Babs.” Jason shrugged. “Even if I don’t, there’s five more over there. I might as well draw first blood.”

“I will make your life hell, Jason. I will,” Babs warned.

“Eh, it’s already hell. This, however, is a taste of heaven.” And with that, Jason threw the first glitter bomb.

There was a war cry from the other side of the room, and five more glitter bombs joined Jason’s one. Giggles and laughter can be heard echoing throughout the room. Without even seeing them, Babs knew that it was Tim, Steph, Cass, and Damian. She couldn’t see them, anyway. There were so many glitters, that Babs couldn’t see anything.

Let them laugh, Babs thought, while holding her breath to keep from inhaling the avalanche of glitters. Babs was already devising vengeance.

Through all the giggles, Babs could hear Steph saying, “I cannot believe I just glitter bombed Oracle!”

After the glitters had dissipated somewhat, and Babs could see again, she saw Cass pulling in Steph close with a smile on her face, and it was so rare that she saw Cass smile so unguardedly that she almost wanted to smile too. Almost.

“You better believe it, Stephanie Brown, because you will be the one to clean this mess. And don’t you laugh, Cassandra, you’ll be cleaning them too,” Babs said in her Oracle voice, which has been said to be very different from her Barbara voice, or even, according to Dick, her Bargirl voice. Steph winced. Cass’ smile turned into a panicked expression. Babs _liked_ her Oracle voice.

“I only joined because of peer pressure, Grayson. I do not wish to do this.”

Ah, Damian. It’s _good_ that he can join in on pranks now-very different from the assassin child Babs had seen Dick took under his wings-but did it have to be glitters? And against them? Why can’t he play pranks against Colin? Or basically anybody but Babs.

“I thought I have talked to you about the dangers of peer pressure, Damian. Do we need to redo that conversation?” Dick’s tone suddenly turned mischievous, “And all the conversation after that?”

Damian’s eyes widen. “No, we do not need to redo that conversation, Grayson. We _do not_.”

Babs made eye contact with Dick, silently asking him what that hidden threat is. Dick did that head movement that always meant, ‘later’. Alright, then. Later. Now Babs can enjoy seeing Dick pester Damian.

“Then you can spend the time I had planned for the encore of that conversation helping to clean up Barbara’s apartment, can’t you?”

“Uhh.. I..”

“Go on, you can get a head start. Start with the dining table.” Dick inclined his head towards the dining room. Barbara can actually laugh seeing Damian’s shaken expression. It’s practically the same expression Dick used to have when Dad caught the two of them together. It had been hilarious then, and it was hilarious now. Especially on Damian’s face, which was normally so serious. He had come so far from that assassin child, hadn’t he?

Tim, never the one to turn away from a chance to insult Damian, laughed. It was not the right move to do. Dick zeroed in on him right away.

“What are you laughing at, Tim? You’ll be cleaning Babs’ apartment too. With Damian. And the girls.”

Damn. Babs knew that Dick can be scary when he wants to, but this was a whole new level. Tim gulped, and bravely tried, “You can’t tell _me_ to do anything, Dick. I’m not Robin anymore.”

Ouch. That was a low blow. Striking there, of all places? Tim was always the one not to pull his punches. Babs flinched for Dick, because he didn’t. Flinched. Just said, “Oh really? Well, it’s up to you, of course, but if you don’t, then you’ll find Bart Allen being one photo richer. And to think of it, Conner Kent and Cassie Sandsmark too.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me.”

The two of them glared at each other for a few moments, and apparently, Dick won, because Tim said, “Fine! Come on, Demon Brat! We better get started.”

Dick smirked. Babs smiled too, because Tim being taken cared of, Babs had only one target left to roast. Jason. Who was in the middle of trying to open the window.

It was nice that Babs had internalized Bruce’s lectures about always being prepared, because she could control everything in her apartment from her wheelchair. Babs pressed the button that shut down the window, and said, “Where do you think you’re going, Jason?”

Jason’s jacket was trapped when Babs shut down the windows. Good. Babs had no wish to chase him down, or more likely, have Dick chase him down. It would only create more chaos.

“Um, out?”

“You know perfectly well that you’re not going out before this apartment is sparkling clean, Jason. I thought Alfred raised you better than that.”

Jason froze where he was. It was a satisfying sight, the fearsome Red Hood frozen to the spot with his jacket trapped in the windows.

“Don’t tell Alfred,” Jason said. “He’ll come to hunt me down.”

“And we can’t have that, can we? It’ll ruin your drug lord reputation to have a British butler come to hunt you down.” Babs smiled. “So, you better go and help Tim and Damian, then.”

Jason glared at Babs. Babs just continue smiling serenely. Jason never won against her when he was Robin, why should he start now? It does not matter that it had been years since he was Robin and Babs was the semi-retired Batgirl. He didn’t win then, and he wouldn’t win now.

True to form, Jason huffed, then started to pry his jacket from the windows. Not to get out, but so that he could go and help the others. “Leave the jacket, Jason,” Babs said. “It’ll keep.”

“Okay, okay, Babs. Jeez.”

“Tim and Damian are already at work on the dining table,” here Babs raised her voice so that Tim and Damian in the dining room could hear, “or I hope so!” They could hear muffled arguments, and _something_ falling down. Oh well. There’s nothing there that’s not filled with glitter anyway. “So you’ll start here.”

Jason grumbled, but he did leave his jacket at the windows and went to find the broom. It should bother Babs that Jason knew exactly where to find the broom in Babs’ apartment, but it didn’t. They were a family that showed affection by stalking, after all.

So, Babs turned to the girls, who were trying to make themselves as small as possible. Maybe they thought that Babs would forget them if they just stood still. Unluckily for them, Babs didn’t forget anything.

“Why are you two just standing around? Go on, chop, chop.”

Steph made the best betrayed expression she could make, and Cass… Well, in anybody else but Cass, Babs would have sworn that it was a pout. But it was Cass, and so it was just… a pout that didn’t fully form. Thankfully, Babs just had to glare at them a bit before they joined Jason in getting the brooms and the vacuum cleaner. She would hate to have to bring out the big guns.

Babs could feel arms going around her, and she let it. She even leaned back a bit so that the arms could fully enclose her. “Let’s go clean up, and lock ourselves in the bedroom, shall we? It’s maybe the only place not tainted by glitter, now.” Babs could feel Dick’s laughter in her ear as he said that.

Dick’s suggestion was actually a very good one. Even though they had just woken up, Babs felt like she could sleep again for several more hours. It must be all the exertion of herding the kids. Having Dick hold her while she slept did not hurt either.

“Don’t you go and have sex while we’re still here, you two!” Jason shouted.

There was a sound from the dining room that can only be Tim’s yelp, and then, “What? You two! Damian’s only eleven!”

“I am perfectly aware of the nuances of human reproduction, Drake!”

“No, you’re not! You’ve never seen Bruce had a go with Selina, have you? You know _nothing_ about human reproduction!”

“Oh, are we talking about Bruce’s adventures with Catwoman? ‘Cause if we do, I need therapy from that time they did it like, a few feet next to me.”

“Oh, shut up, Steph! You’re only Robin for what? A few weeks? You can’t even begin to imagine all the therapy _I_ would need! They did it in front of me, like, all the time!”

Dick gave Babs a look that conveyed all the annoyance and affection for the five little delinquents they had in her apartment, and then he lifted her up and carried her to the bathroom. He was laughing all the way there. Babs couldn’t help but to laugh along with him.

*

Later, in Babs’ bedroom, after all the glitters on their body were gone and the door to the bedroom firmly shut, Dick said, “Wow. Look how far we’ve come, Babs.”

“Huh?” Babs was lying down with her head on Dick’s chest, and it felt very nice. It felt so nice that Babs could barely think of anything else.

“We used to be the one doing the gagging! And now we’re the ones being gagged about!” Dick said, with a very large smile on his face.

“And you’re proud of that?” Babs asked.

“Well, I can list a few things we can be proud about instead, but then you’ll call me sappy.” Dick’s arms sneaked to her, and then he started playing with her hair.

“You _are_ sappy, Dick Grayson,” Babs said, closing her eyes.

“No arguments there, Babs. No arguments there.”

**Author's Note:**

> ps. apparently I'm the kind of person who won't write when they have a lot of time to do so, but when they don't have the time, they write. hence, two fics in a short ammount of time i'm in an unpaid internship, but not a single fic during the weeks and weeks of holiday......
> 
> as always, check out my tumblr (huilian.tumblr.com)


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